Other Reasons for Anxiety Today

In addition to the anxiety of facing this social even tonight, I’m experiencing anxiety for other reasons as well.  Last night I was thinking about where I stand with this whole being gay thing and I sort of thought that I should start telling people.  Just a few right now.  It’s my 33rd birthday today and I thought what a great gift for myself to come out to my friends and stop living in fear and hiding…  One of the friends I want to tell is Unsvelt Girl Who Runs, my co-worker/friend that suggested I go to this thing tonight.  I want to tell her the truth and be done with it.  This all seemed like a good idea last night while drinking a glass of wine.  Now by the light of day, I’m terrified.

 

I have serious reservations about how she’ll react.  Not that I wouldn’t anyway, but a while back she told me a story about having gone to lunch with a co-worker she’d befriended named Margalo.  They were strolling down the street when Margalo turned to UGWR randomly and said, “You know I’m gay, right?”  UGWR tells this story as if it was a lightning bolt from on high.  She apparently played it off and told Margalo, “Yeah.  Sure.  I knew that.”  But inside she was reeling.  UGWR has said to me, “I don’t think I wanted to know that.”  So maybe she doesn’t want to know it about me either.  And maybe she will feel differently about me, and around me if she knows.  Maybe she already suspects and won’t think anything of it.  Maybe she’s disturbed by it because she has some lesbian tendencies herself and doesn’t want to face it.  I don’t know.  Maybe I’m over thinking this and worried for no reason.

 

I guess what I’m wrestling with here is, would it be selfish for me to tell her if she really doesn’t want to know, or is it selfish for her not to want to know and make me feel like I can’t tell her.  And does it really matter?  I sure wish this was an easier process. 

 

I guess, truthfully, I’m putting too much pressure on myself all at once, dealing with this social event and wanting to come out to my friend.  Perhaps it’s better to wait for some other day.

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