Perhaps, the Hardest Step

On Sunday, M&M, who, at 33 years old (me not her),  is the one and only woman I have ever been physically intimate with, took me out to dinner and a movie as a belated birthday celebration.  I had already made up my mind at that point that I was determined to come out to her.  

 

Strangely, I didn’t really think it would be that difficult.  Man was I mistaken!  I was very nervous and visibly shaking.  “So,” I started, “If someone had something to tell you that you may or may not want to hear, how would and when would you want them to do it?”

“Um.  I don’t know,”  she said.  “In a joke maybe?  I don’t know.  Just come out and say it I guess.  Why?  Do you have something to tell me?  Are you sick?  Are you dieing?”

“Yes” I said, “I’m sick.  I have an inoperable brain tumor.  I have six months to live.”  She laughed but she did not get the joke.  

 

With a mouthful of California Pizza Kitchen, Hawaiian pizza, eyes averted and my hand in front of my mouth I murmured, “Would it come as a surprise to you, if I told you I was gay?”

She didn’t hear me. 

I moved my hand, swallowed and said more clearly, but not much more loudly, “Would it come as a surprise to you, if I told you I was gay?”

 

There was what seemed like an eternity before she said, “No.  Not really.”  The rest is a blur actually.  I was still anxious and shaking, I was less interested in discussing it further than I thought I would be.  We talked about something else, she asked another question.  I answered as best I could.  She stared at me like there was supposed to be something more.  We discussed other topics.  She asked me if I was ok.

“No, I’m not.” 

And so it went for nearly another hour before we called it a night and parted ways.  I feel better today.  It’s out there, and I can’t take it back.  That’s something.  I feel that I have a lot farther to go.  I do believe, though, that telling M&M was one of the biggest hurdles I had to face.  Now that she knows I don’t have to worry about things getting back to her.  I would think, though I can’t be sure, that telling the next person should be easier.  

I’m having second thoughts about telling Unsvelt Girl Who Runs.  We’re friends and I’d like to feel like I can share this with her, but we work in the same small office with three other people, and she tends to be loud even when she thinks she’s not being.  She also can get very upset with people, myself included, and I’m not entirely sure I can count on her not to use this as ammunition the next time she thinks I’ve done something wrong against her.  I’m not in a huge hurry to tell my coworkers and I‘m not sure I can count on her to keep my confidence.  That one will require some further thought.

 

For now, I’m just glad to not have to hide it all the time…and I’m glad that M&M handled it well.  In a way, she’d have had every right to be hurt and angry, but she’s not…  Well not really.  She seemed to be genuinely disappointed that I told my friend Center o’ the Universe (Don’t believe me, just ask her), who lives 1800 miles away, has believed I was gay from the day we met, is the only person I knew who I knew exacly how would respnd, and oh yeah, I’m head over heals in love with (pussy and all)  a year or so ago but couldn’t tell her (M&M) till now.  She’ll get over that.

(Sigh, a long heavy breath of relief.)

2 Responses

  1. As someone who’s out to virtually everyone he knows, except new co-workers and parents, I’d like to give you a bit [albeit imagined] pat on the shoulder. Well done, mate. It’s hard. Hell… You know how much. But slowly, you’ll feel the rush of relief, when you find yourself being able to speak freely with those you care about. I myself was scared at first. And wondered what the hell ‘they’ were on about about ‘release’. Then I started to feel it, slowly, all the times I could comment on someone, or say something. Not having to second-guess myself, to bite down words.
    Nowadays, I’m completely myself when I’m with friends. They accepted me, all of them – and I couldn’t ask for more.
    Best of luck – from a kindred spirit. [If only by one tiny aspect of our being.]

  2. thank you so much for sharing your story on my blog too

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