All Part of My Evil Plan

My name is Scared Kitty. I’m told I’m “16 years” old. I like that number better. As far as I know I’m 56 cat years old.

Finally, my evil plan has come together.

When I was just a wee Scared Kitty I was introduced to the joy that is wet cat food. My Daddy has always fed me dry food. I like it when it’s a freshly opened bag. Daddy has to parse it out to me a little at a time, though, or I’ll eat too much, too fast. Then I go and barf it on the couch, or the carpeted part of the floor (I wonder if that’s why there’s no carpet where we live now?) or on a bed. That part’s not so much fun, but the food sure tastes good.

Anyway, 39 cat years ago, my Aunt was really fat. I mean, she was REALLY fat! She had this big ole belly that used to swing back and forth when she’d walk, and it almost dragged on the floor. When I was new in the house, I used to like to play with my Aunt and Uncle. Uncle Muppet was really grumpy. He’d grunt and growl at me and sometimes he’d bat at my head and run away. Aunt Miss Kitty though, she was more fun. Mostly she was just too fat to run away so she’d just plop down on the floor and take it. I’d pounce on her and bite her neck and she’d just sigh and wait till Daddy or Vengeful Grandma yelled at me and made me go for time out. They didn’t know it but I did it on purpose. I was sleepy and needed a nap but I was trying to hide it. I’d jump on Aunt Miss Kitty and they’d make me go in my Daddy’s room and they’d close the door. I’d take a quick cat nap (I wonder why they call it that?) and then I’d be ready to come out and be good for a while.

Well, finally Vengeful Grandma decided that Aunt Miss Kitty was too fat so she put her on a diet. She made Aunt Miss Kitty eat this funny food that was supposed to make her loose weight, but she didn’t really like it. I guess it musta been really nasty because she would always throw it up after she ate. Pretty soon Vengeful Grandma gave up on the idea and let Aunt Miss Kitty come back to eating the same old stuff as me and Uncle Muppet. It was weird though, ‘cause all of a sudden she didn’t really like that food either. Pretty soon she just stopped eating all together.

Vengeful Grandma got nervous and took Aunt Miss Kitty to the mean ole doctors (sure was glad I didn’t have to go.) They said she was allergic to something they called “fillers”. Don’t know what that means. I think all food is filling if you eat enough of it. Anyway, they said that she couldn’t eat the stuff me and Uncle Muppet were eating, anymore. They gave her some fancy shmancy stuff that was supposed to be sooo much better than what we were eatin’. Pfft. Whatever. Joke was on them. She didn’t eat that stuff either. It did get kinda scary though. Pretty soon Aunt Miss Kitty was so skinny you could count her ribs… I mean, you could if you knew your numbers.

Vengeful Grandma went away for a couple days. They said my Aunt CPA Sis did something exciting. College Graduation? Who wants College? I think you have to leave the house for that. Ewww. But it was a big deal to Vengeful Grandma so everybody packed up, including Aunt Miss Kitty (but not Uncle Muppet and me) and left. I heard Aunt Miss Kitty didn’t actually go with them. I heard she had to go stay with the mean Doctor.  Yikes! Don’t really know what happened, but I heard she went a little bonkers when the nurse opened a can of wet food to purée and put in Aunt Miss Kitty’s tummy.

When everybody came home, something wonderful happened. Vengeful Grandma started feeding this fancy new wet food to Aunt Miss Kitty. It smelled sooo good. I don’t know what a venison is but I sure smelled tasty. Only thing is, they wouldn’t let me have it. She didn’t seem so interested with it to me. She still wanted to eat my food. So Vengeful Grandma decided we had to eat at specific times. Uncle Muppet and me would eat in Daddy’s bedroom with the door closed and Aunt Miss Kitty ate in Vengeful Grandma’s room. Every day at six and six we would go in our rooms and eat. It was pretty awesome though, ‘cause Aunt Miss Kitty never quite finished her food. When they’d let me outta Daddy’s room, I’d go straight to her bowl and eat whatever venison was left. Mmmm. Yum!

Well, 30 cat years ago, the rug was pulled out from under me. Mean ole, Aunt CPA Sis stuck me in a bag with windows and took me outta the house. They took me on a long ride in the car. I hate that. But then they took me to this loud scary place, and on a thing that made my ears hurt. And when it was all over I was in a weird place, but my Daddy was there. After a week, Vengeful Grandma and Aunt CPA Sis left, but they didn’t take me with them. Ever since then it’s been nothing but dry food, and it’s always there. Even when it’s not six.

Well, it’s been 30 cat years but I finally figured out my evil plan. I stopped eating. I didn’t really drink enough water. I started barfing a lot. Pretty soon there was nothin’ in the barf but water. Daddy got worried. I guess my fur was lookin’ pretty shabby. Daddy brushed me and got a whole bunch of hair off me. He said it looked like something called a trouble—triple—Tribble? Don’t know. I still didn’t look too good though and I was kinda pooped for a while after that. Daddy calls it evening crazies, but I just call it running around a little nuts. Whatever you call it, I didn’t have the energy for it anymore.

Then my evil plan backfired a little. Once day last week, Daddy came home and brought that bag up. He took me to another mean ole Doctor. He pulled on my eye lids and tried to make me open my mouth. He squeezed my tummy and my back. He put a cold round thing on my sides. They said he was listening to my heart, but I don’t see how. His ears weren’t anywhere near me! And then he stuck a thing in my butt and then said my temperature was low.

They took some blood and made me pee in a cup and put some water in my back ‘cause they said I was dehydr—dehide—I needed water. Daddy looked worried when he took me home.

It was a kinda long week-end and he kept giving me something called baby-food. Don’t know what baby in its right mind would eat that stuff. It’s icky. But it all paid off. Last night?!? Last night, Daddy came home with some of that yummy wet food and I went to town! Good stuff!!! He says I get that from now on, so I guess my evil plan worked after all!

Genius! Sheer Evil Genius!

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