It’s Time!

Well, I took my week.  I took my week to pout and rant and stew.  And then I talked about it.  With my therapist.  She helped put things into perspective.  A perspective I guess I really already had but sometimes it’s nice for someone else to help see it.

This week has been a struggle for me to accept the outcome of the vote on Proposition 8, because it was personal to me.  For the first time in my life, it was personal to me.  It’s the first time that such a bill has been on the ballot, in the state where I lived, while I was not in UTTER AND COMPLETE DENIAL!!

I realized while discussing this with her that it had hit me so hard because it made things “real” for me.  In the same sense as “if I don’t actually tell anyone that I’m gay, it’s not real.  But as soon as I tell someone I am, it becomes real.”  You see, I’ve been around for others of these types of measures.  I’ve watched from the side lines and hoped for the best outcome while not being too worried about it because, “It doesn’t affect me anyway.”  I’ve watched as once again the hope for equality was snatched away like snatching defeat from the jaws of victory and I’ve been disappointed at the narrow-minded hate that seems to abound.  But I’ve known that it wasn’t about me and it wouldn’t change my life and so I could distance myself and be unmoved.

I’m used to that feeling so when Proposition 8 came about and I watched the process taking place, I was caught unprepared for the outcome.  I watched from the side lines.  I hoped for the best outcome.  I didn’t worry about it.  And I watched as defeat was snatched from the jaws of victory…  And I was affected.  I was hurt.  I was offended.  Dare I say it, I was devastated.  Because this time, personal, it was!  This time I’m not in denial.  I’m not hiding who I am from myself.  I know that I’m a part of the community that was under attack.  Of course I took it personally!  Of course I felt like it was a slap in the face.  Of course I wanted to see something done about it.

So I did something about it.  Last night I became a member of the Human Rights Campaign (HRC).  I bought an equality car magnet which I will proudly place on my bumper so that every one will know that I’m here.  That I’m a part of their community and that I can’t be held back.  I bought an equality pendant on a leather cord which I will proudly display around my neck so that everyone will know that I’m in the room.  I’m in their space.  And that I’m not giving them the gay bug, or cooties.  I’m just here.  I bought an equality key chain which will bare my house and car keys and will be visible for all to see (I don’t put my keys in my pocket.)  And I bought an equality watch so that every time I look at the time, every time I’m asked for the time I’ll be reminded of just what time it is!  It’s time for Equality!  It’s time for fairness.  It’s time to be treated like a full citizen of this almost great nation of ours.  It’s time!

Soon, I’ll register to volunteer with the HRC.  I’ll help plan the annual dinner.  I’ll help plan community events.  I’ll help spread the word and get to our legislators.  And someday, maybe, if I’m brave enough, I’ll help plan Pride events as well.

No longer am I going to hide my true self.  No longer am I going worry about being noticed looking at an attractive man.  No longer am I going to lower my voice when I talk about my sexuality with the few people who do know, for fear of being over heard.  Let them over hear!  Let hem know that we are among the masses!

I know I still have a long way to go.  I know I still need to be more social.  I know I need to find a way to meet more gay people, and make some gay friends, and, dare to dream, a boyfriend!  I know I still need to fully embrace who I am and what I want and no longer be afraid of discovery and shame.  I am working on that.  I will do that.  I will be proud of myself.  I will live openly and with courage.  I will do my part to further our cause and I will not be side lined by hateful, fearful, ignorant people who can’t see my value in the world.

This is my time.  OUR time! And from today, I will make something of it!  It’s time!

One Response

  1. aw man! you got a magnet?

    I’m so jealous…i only got a sticker. It used to be on my car.

    Well, that’s not entirely true. It still IS on my car…but nobody else knows what it is.

    See, I got the sticker when i volunteered at the Ferndale Pride Festival, four-ish years ago. So now the sticker is all faded and weather beaten and…falling off-ish.

    But I feel like it’s okay.

    I mean, I have a Thundercats sticker AND a Mac sticker…so, it’s quite obvious i believe in equal rights…

    Thundercats are people too…no need to judge them just because their planet blew up, and sort of reformed, and will probably blow up again.

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