Bait and Switch

Something has just occurred to me.  About six weeks ago, I wrote a series of posts about the renovation of my formerly regrettably pink bathroom.  These posts were a hodgepodge of details about the actual “transformation” or renovation that was taking place in my bathroom at my home.

During the majority of the project my shower was out of commission and I was having to used the shower in the basement of my office building of which I have the fortune (misfortune?) of working in the property management office and have, therefor, free reign over/access to the shower in question.

Now, I’m a dude, which should say enough, right there, but I’m also Gay, relatively new to the acceptance thereof, and a “gay virgin”.  Translation, I’m horny most of the time.  Using this shower in the basement of my office building was, at least the first few times, a sexually arousing proposition for me.  It is a private shower, in a locked room so it wasn’t that exciting, but it provided some opportunities to fantasize and masturbate.    These experiences provided fodder for the blog and while I was writing about the remodel of my bathroom I was also writing about these experiences which means my tags for these posts were things like, “Male Nude, Nude Male, Gay Sex, Fantasy, Fantasizing, Masturbate, etc.”

To this day, when I look at my blog stats, those “Bathroom Transformation” posts are heavily hit.  And when I look at the terms that lead people to my blog on those same days, it’s usually things like “Male Nude, Nude Male, Gay Sex, Fantasy, Fantasizing, Masturbate, etc.”

So today I was looking at my blog stats – I guess I have a secret fantasy to become a popular blog… ist?  Is Bloggist a word? and so I watch my stats closely – and suddenly I had this mental image:

I’m sitting at home in my chair, feet up, naked, looking for some “inspirational material”.  So I log onto WordPress and I do a search for “Male Nude”.  Surely I’ll at least get some nice pictures to look at right?  Maybe I’m in a certain kinda mood, looking for a certain kinda something when I see it.  “Bathroom Transformation, Day 6”.  Maybe this is what I want to see.  Maybe I like a little raunch, or a little water sports, or a little…  Whatever someone might be looking for, and interested in when they see “Male Nude” and “Bathroom Transformation” in the same context.

So I click on the link.  Maybe I’m already a little excited.  Maybe I’m partially hard and I’m already oozing.  Maybe I’ve already got my dick in my hand and I’m ready to go.  And there at the bottom of the screen I see the very top of a picture.  Let me scroll down to that!  Wait! What the–!  It’s a- A BATHROOM.  What the hell kinda smut is this guy writing.  Oh shit.  This post is about renovating a bathroom.

The son of a bitch pulled a bait and switch on me!

But at least I helped him boost his numbers for today!

And if nothing else?  For that, I thank you!  Oh, and, did I mention…  I gotcha again!

Bathroom Transformation Day Five

Not a lot of news to tell tonight.  Good Progress, but not big news.

The tile in the shower has been sealed and my shower head has been mounted again.  The black plastic is hung form the ceiling as a temporary shower curtain.  It’ll be another week or two before the new shower curtain rod is fabricated and installed.

The floor has been “floated” and Adorable Little Contractor is coming back tomorrow to put in the floor tile.  This also means the toilet has to come out which means there’ll be no toilet at my disposal while he’s doing the work.  He will put the toilet back in at the end of every day, but as long as I’m not hanging around the house while he’s working that won’t be a problem.  Since tomorrow is Saturday, however, that may be a problem.  I may have to find somewhere else to be tomorrow…

Today he also took out the medicine cabinet and in wall toilet paper dispenser.  He also installed the second electrical outlet that I requested on the far side of where the vanity will be.  I’ve made the final selection on the paint and he plans to paint on Tuesday.

I’m glad to have the use of my shower back.  The shower at work was growing tiresome.  As I said yesterday, I believe ever good day starts with a good wank, but it was more of the same.  Same fantasy about the same engineer.  Same trickle of water, meant to provide the cleansing desired from taking a shower in the first place.  It was fun for a time, but now I’m glad I won’t need to use that shower anymore.

Bathroom Transformation Day Four – Now THAT’S What I Call Progress!

Major progress today!  Remember this?

Today, it looks like this. 

Dry wall is in, tile is up, and grouted.  Tomorrow it gets sealed and tomorrow night the shower should be whole.  My only concern is that the issue of the shower curtain rod has not been resolved.  Since my shower only has two walls instead of three, I need a shower curtain rod that turns and covers the other two sides.  Wheeler Dealer Landlady was saying she’d probably have to have one custom fabricated and in the meantime I can just keep using the one that was already here.  That’s fine, except that if the mounting mechanism is different in anyway, then there could end up being extraneous holes in the new marble tile, and that would be tragic.

On a side note, I was hoping this renovation would include building a third side to the shower surround but apparently there isn’t enough space between the tub and the toilet to build the wall and still be code compliant.  Oh well, it was worth a shot.

I probably still won’t be able to use the shower until some time Saturday, but at least we’re making progress on that.  Using the shower at work has been fun, exciting and arousing all at the same time…  But it’s also been a pain in the ass.  There’s just not enough water pressure and I feel a bit exposed there.  I also don’t feel like I’m getting rinsed as well as I like when I’m washing off the soap because of the low pressure.  I have a hand held shower head/massager/do-hickey.  I really like having the control as to where the water is aimed and the intensity of the spray.  The hardest, most focused setting feels pretty damn good while I’m rinsing my sphincter.  Definitely not getting that while I’m using the trickle er, uh– Shower at work.  Wheeler Dealer Landlady has bought some pretty nice fixtures for my new bathroom so I’m going to give those a try before I go back to my hand held shower head but I assume even the new shower head she bought will have more pressure than this thing at work.

I’m a firm believer that every good day starts with a good wank, so I took advantage of the unusual circumstances with the shower at work again.  I gotta say, I doubt that I’m the only guy who has used that shower and has jerked off while there.  The really kinky, nasty side of me really got off on the idea that I was just adding to the… shall we say, gene pool.  Of course I’m sure the shower has been cleaned since the last time someone besides me rubbed one out in there, but it adds to the fantasy, I guess.  And speaking of fantasies…  My Fantastical Engineer, played a role again this morning.  He’s an Asian man.  He shaves his head.  And he’s about 8 inches shorter than I am.  I fantasized this morning about him servicing me.  Using his mouth to bring me to the brink, and then putting some time into my…  Undercarriage seems like a good word…  And while he was doing that, I jerked it till I came, blowing my load all over his smooth, freshly shorn head.  What a blast!  Too bad he wasn’t there to enjoy it!

Hmmm.  I seem to have gotten a bit side tracked…  Albeit a good side track.

So where was I…  Ah yes, the bathroom.  I’m thrilled with the progress Adorable Little Contractor has made today.  It feels like things are really starting to come together now.  I narrowed down my paint selections today.  There are three options of three different shades that I’ve narrowed it down to.  It doesn’t show up very well, but the sample in this picture is the most likely choice at this point. 

I’m not especially thrilled that the border pieces of the tile are far whiter than the squares, but I don’t guess there’s anything to be done about it now.

It’s not terrible but it’s not great either.  Maybe it’ll stand out less once the project is done.

The paint sample is called Livingston Olive, a light olive color.  I was not at all sure about it at Home Depot, and when Unsvelt Girl and I went to the Expo today to look at the samples against the console, it was the third choice and Unsvelt Girl thought it was too yellow.  I ended up having to come by the house right after that (Scared Kitty, somehow liberated himself from the kitchen and I had to rectify the problem.)  While we were here, I taped the samples up to the wall.  Next to the tile and in the natural sunlight it was a completely different color.  It was suddenly first choice!

Moving on.  Remember this?  Today, it looks like this… 

The medicine cabinet is also coming out.  There will be a larger mirror over the vanity and there will be a second outlet on the other side of the vanity.  The new vanity is taller than the old one but the back splash will be standard four-ish inches above the surface.  So there will be some wall repair to be done.

The next obvious step for this area is to tile, grout and seal the floor before Adorable Little Contractor can bring in the new vanity and hook up the plumbing.  The other two paint samples are in the top right corner of this picture, and while you can’t get a great look at those either, you can see that they are darker than the first choice.  The real deciding factor will be when the floor is done and the vanity is in.  The tile on the floor and the slab on top of the vanity are all the same as the shower so between that and the large window, I’d think there’d be a lot of light, however, the vanity is a dark stained wood….  Decisions, decision…

Bathroom Transformation Day Three

So there is progress…

Though still not as much as I would have expected.  Clearly there’s still to be no showering at home for me tomorrow.  Back to the engineers shower at work.  Or what I now call “the leak in the basement”.  I was shocked at how little water pressure there was.  It’s more of  trickle than a shower.

It was a kind of fun and exciting experience, thought not what I was envisioning.  The whole thing was remodeled with the rest of the building restrooms, which I was not aware of.  So the shower has been redone with all new tile and and new “shower” (trickle) head.  There is also a door on the shower that I didn’t know about, so even if my fantastical engineer, had walked in on me, he wouldn’t have seen anything….  Not that I allowed that to stop me from having my fun.  Since I’ll have to use it again tomorrow I get another chance at the fantasy, not that I think, even for a minute that anything will really happen.  Sure would be nice though.

Anyway, the tile looks good so far.  I still have to decide on a paint color.  I have some colors I like picked out but I’m just not sure which one to choose.  Unsvelt Girl Who Runs is very artsy fartsy and I think she can provide some good input.  I was going to take her, with my paint chips, to the Home Depot Expo where the Cabinetry is coming from to get her input but she had the audacity to call in sick to work today.  Apparently the Tag-Along had an emotional break-down on her during their run this morning and Unsvelt Girl was too pissed off to deal with anyone.  I can’t say I blame her.  I’m not judging!…  I ain’t be hatin’.

We’ll go tomorrow, since everything is taking longer than predicted (go figure) I’ve got at least a week to decide on paint.

Bathroom Transformation Day Two – and an Interesting Opportunity

So day two has come and gone and the news is not as good as one would hope.

I got home tonight after therapy, having already been informed that things didn’t go as planned and the tile wasn’t going to be finished to find this…

“Not finished!?!  He didn’t even start the fucking tile!  What the fuck did he do all day?!?”  No, really, I realize there’s a lot of stuff I don’t know about construction and I know he may have done quite a bit in the wall before hanging the sheet rock.  So whatever.  I also knew going into this that there was a possibility that the shower would be unavailable to me for a day or two. Looks like that day or two is tomorrow and possibly Thursday.

This presents an interesting opportunity for me.  There is a small changing room/shower in the basement of my office building which is for the building engineers to use in the event of some kind of accident requiring showering, etc.  Also, one of our engineers runs Lake Merritt every day on his lunch break and takes a shower in there afterward.  I can take a shower in there before going to my office for the day.  I’m not thrilled with the idea of taking a shower in a community space, but on the other hand…  it’s a community space…  🙂

The shower is a pretty good sized shower stall with no door or curtain on it.  So it’s open to the room.  The room locks from the inside and I don’t think there is a lock on the outside, so I don’t really have to worry too much about being walked in on.  I don’t know if this is strange to some of my readers or not but the whole prospect turns me on and I’m counting the moments till I can get in there and jerk it.  Promises to be a very arousing experience!

We have one Engineer who I am very attracted to.  He’s a Christian and a married man with three kids so I know perfectly well that nothing is going to happen there, but I can always fantasize that he’ll walk in on me and join in on the fun…

And So Begins the Transformation (Of My Bathroom)

I moved into my apartment a year ago on September 1st and on the day I moved in Wheeler Dealer Landlady and I discussed remodeling my bathroom.  It is the original bathroom from whem my house was built and I’m pretty sure people were a good foot shorter then.  The bathroom also is a “lovely” shade of pastel pink.

These are the “before” pictures:

Life, Lunacy and the Pursuit of Financial Happiness; or The General State of Affairs

There’s a tickle at the back of my brain. A wee, small voice is calling out for freedom. There is a compulsion making its way to the surface. I feel like I have something to write. I’m just not sure yet what it is.

Saturday was Vengeful Mother’s 64th birthday. I played the dutiful son and called to wish her Happy Birthday and to inform her that a gift was not to follow. Things have been really tight for me lately. True to form, she took advantage of a moment of vulnerability on my part in which I told her of the financial difficulty I’ve been experiencing, to tell me that I wouldn’t be in this situation if I would just pay my tithes. Because after all, when I’m having trouble making ends meet to begin with the smartest thing I could do is write a $250.00 check, twice a month, for which I’ll receive no goods or services in return. Why wouldn’t I want to be $250.00 shorter per paycheck than I am now?

She tells me things would have been worse if she hadn’t done it, but I remember watching her write her tithe checks regularly, spending her last $50.00, and then having to scrape the cupboards to try to find something to feed her three hungry children. I guess she was “leading by example” by writing the checks, but what she was trying to instill in her children, that God will bless your finances if you tithe, didn’t come through. As far as I can tell, she’s still waiting for the blessing.

I suppose I was meant to accept not suffering homelessness, not having to go to school in rags and not starving to be a blessing. Now, I know I’m a bitter old dolt who has a fucked up sense of obligation but as far as I’m concerned, if Vengeful Mother and Dead Beat Dad weren’t prepared to guarantee those minimums, they should never have procreated in the first place. They probably shouldn’t have anyway. No, to me, being blessed is having all your needs met and having ample opportunities to make the most of your life. Those are the things I most certainly did not see happening when Vengeful Mother put her last few tuppence in the offering plates. Those are the things I didn’t have, period.

Tithes are supposed to be the “first fruits” of your “harvest” or the first 10% of your income. In other words, pre-tax. So my take home pay may be $1500.00 every two weeks, but I earn closer to $2500.00. Uncle SAM (as in Stole All my Money) takes the first nearly $1000.00 and then I’m supposed to hand over $250.00 more than that, before I do anything else? It’s impossible!

We had a luncheon at work today. I work in a small office of about five people. If you’ve read my blog, you’ve already been “introduced” to that group. We have a counter part group who works in another building. We don’t like them. They don’t like us. We have a mutual don’t like for each other and it’s a permanent condition.

Since my manager, Douche bag, is on vacation, the diminutive manager for the other group has been in charge. He decided to buy lunch for everyone today. So we gathered for sandwiches in a conference room. Midway through the lunch, he decided to announce that he was going to make this a monthly thing and that we’d meet for lunch monthly.

Every couple of months this comes up. Douche bag and his fun sized counterpart talk about how we should work together and have team building orgie— er, exercises and be BFFs, like that’s all it takes. Personalities and hard feelings be damned. I’m not sure why they can’t get it through their impenetrable skulls that we do not enjoy each others company and no amount of forcing the issue will change that. In fact forcing it on us will just make it harder to change things.

I had a couple of very peculiar dreams the other night. The first had to do with a forced entry situation at Vengeful Mother’s house. CPA sister and I were both there and it was bed time. CPA Sis was getting into bed in the living room, and Vengeful Mother was in bed in her room. CPA sis came across some papers in the living room that had some significance to a former boyfriend of hers; we’ll call him Breastplate (Explanation to follow). Vengeful Mother and I were reviewing the papers and realized that they were incriminating for Breastplate and some other guys. Suddenly, we heard loud noises as the front door was being broken down. I grabbed the papers and stuffed them under Vengeful Mother’s headboard.

I don’t really remember what happened after that except that the guys were tearing the house apart trying to find the papers and there was threatening and violence going on.

The second dream had a similar theme. I dreamed that Vengeful Mother and I were in a drug/grocery store and we had separated. The store was taken hostage by a group of ne’er-do-wells. I do not remember what their motivations were, but I remember that they were very rough. They were armed, but they had some sort of poison darts that they used to kill some of the hostages.

Once again, I do not remember the details of the dream but I remember that Vengeful Mother was killed with one of those darts. The dream ended when the police broke into the store and took out the bad dudes. I had managed to kill one of them in the course of my dream so when it was clear that the evil doers were going to die, their leader shot me with one of the darts, a moment before a policeman shot and killed him. Then just as everything was going dark I felt a sharp prick and shortly after I recovered. The police had the antidote for the poison and were able to save me, but not Vengeful Mother.

My therapist had the audacity to go on vacation last week and so it’ll have been two weeks since I’ve seen her, when I get to my appointment tomorrow evening. It seems as though I may have a lot to talk about. I do not wish for Vengeful Mother’s demise, but I do know that many things would be a lot easier on me if she was no longer part of my life. As I mentioned, she just turned 64 and some of you might be saying I don’t have that much longer with her, but you’d be wrong. People in my family, on both sides actually, live very long lives. My Paternal Grandfather who just died was almost 92. My Paternal Grandmother was in her early 80s when she died of cancer. My Maternal Grandmother was 84 when she died. The only enigma, if you will, is my Maternal Grandfather. He was killed when a psychotic divorceé boarded his plane wearing a dynamite vest in 1962. Grandfather was in his late 30s. Who knows how old he would have lived to be?

I take comfort in the fact that I won’t have to face the death of my parents for many years, and yet, there would be some comfort to be taken if I didn’t have to deal with those troubled relationships any further.

After nearly a year of negotiation, my regrettably pink bathroom is finally going to be remodeled starting on Monday, August 25, 2008. I’m dreading it. It’s going to be a major hassle for me. Their will be detritus everywhere while the work is happening. For a few days, my shower will be unavailable to me. Scared kitty will have to be closed up in the kitchen for his own safety and sanity, and the house will have to be thoroughly cleaned this week before my landlord sets foot in the place to meet with the contractor. I’ll be thrilled when the work is done.

My house was built in the 1920s. And the bathroom may well be the original bathroom, save for a new-ish toilet that was put in fewer than 5 years ago. The floor, sink counter and backsplash, and two sided shower surround are all covered in 4″ x 4″ pastel pink tile. The counter has a beveled, raised, pastel pink tile boarder that is hard to keep clean, and the counter is only 22 inches deep while the sink is 26 inches deep, so there is an angled protrusion from the counter where the sink is. The tile is dirty with the kind of dirt that doesn’t come out. Decade upon decade of use has resulted in a hue of grey that covers the pink such that only a power sand scrub or perhaps a dose of hydrochloric acid would make it come off, and then the tile would come up too. There are also what my landlady calls spider vein cracks in the tile. But most importantly, IT’S PINK!

Apparently, in the 1920s people were a good foot and a half shorter than they are now. The shower head, were it not to have an aftermarket handheld shower wand added to it, would hit me mid tattoo

 

and require me to bend down significantly to use it, and the top of the tile shower surround hits my shoulder level. Here in Oakland, we have a lot of mold issues to deal with, and it’s been my concern all along that this is going to be an issue if left unchecked.  (By the way, no comments about my ogre head!)

When completed, my bathroom is going to have new shower head that is up about two feet from it’s current location, the shower surround will be two single slabs of granite that will go up to 18″ from the ceiling, their will be an entirely new sink console with a new sink with polished nickel fixtures including a goose neck faucet. A new wall mounted mirror will hang over the counter and the counter will be single slab marble. Their will be fresh paint, new light fixtures, new towel hooks and rods and a brand new pergo floor. When finished the bathroom will be modern and lovely and will match the rest of the renovated house. I can’t wait!

And then theirs work. Douche Bag returns from his three and a half week tour of China tomorrow. When that happens, the respite I have had from all the shit that comes with his presence will be over. I do not look forward to that. I so desperately want to change jobs. I want to find something to do that is fulfilling and gratifying. I want to make a living being creative and inspiring to people. I would like to be a writer, but I don’t know how to make a living that way.

What I need is a sugar daddy! I’m now taking applications! Serious inquiries only, please!