If It Were Up To Me

What you’re about to read is my attempt at humorous commentary.  It failed miserably and is by far the worst thing I’ve ever written filled with useless drivel and nonsensical non sequiturs.  I think it sucks and I’m sure you will to….  Enjoy!  🙂

Not long ago I posted some commentary on the direction this nation is heading, and the ideas behind Separation of Church and State and I commented on the possibility of the Queen taking us back.  Well, I think I might have actually been on to something with that…

This country has proven over the last decade or so not to do so well with Democracy.  We’ve’ elected a frat boy moron to run the Executive Branch of our Government.  We’ve allowed offensive and ludicrous measure to be passed in our “Democratic Elections” even though they removed fundamental rights of individuals to live their lives in true freedom.  As a collective we have become increasingly self-centered and inconsiderate.  We’ve just become bad people, and I’m sick of it.

So I have reluctantly decided to accept the position of King.  I know it’s a major change.  We’re not accustomed to living in a Monarchy.  And it will be a Monarchy.  None of this Parliament, House of Commons bullshit like they’ve got on the other side of the pond.  No, this will be a real Monarchy, dare I say it, a dictatorship.  But a good dictatorship.  Castro never treated his citizens with the kindness and benevolence I will show my people. Yes, I know it’ll take a little time for everyone to adjust to life in a Kingdom, but I promise to be a just and honorable ruler and to treat everyone with respect and decency.

I imagine the most difficult adjustment for the people to make will be the Kevin Lane.  What is this Kevin Lane you ask?  It’s just exactly what it sounds like.  As King, I’ll be very busy and need to get between my appearances as quickly as possible.  I’ll need to have a clear path to drive my Ferrari, Lamborghini, or DeLorian, which ever I choose for that day.  And since I’ll be blowing right by the speed limits without fear of prosecution, I’ll need the entire lane to myself.  I know that this will reduce the number of lanes for the rest of you to drive in and I know that traffic is just getting worse and worse with no sign of relief and I know that it will be hard to make the sacrifice, but hey, being King has to have some perks, right?

As King, I’ll ensure that my people are treated with the utmost fairness, as long as it doesn’t impede what I want of course, and that no one is treated poorly because of their personal preferences and inclinations.  Marriage will be open to everyone while reproductive rights will be limited to only those who can successfully raise a happier and healthier child then they themselves were.  Because of the limitation in reproductive rights, Welfare will be abolished. No poor people will be allowed to reproduce, therefor they will not need assistance to feed their children.

As for taxes, everyone will be taxed fairly.  Ten percent tax across the board.  I mean, really, who will suffer from a ten percent tax?  Oh sure, all those millionaires and billionaires will cry and wine because they’re paying such a huge amount in taxes.  They’ll focus all the attention on the dollar amount they’re paying because they think that paying $200,000 is unreasonable, But when you’re making $2,000,000 a year what’s a couple hundred grand?  Lest they forget, they’re still walking away with $1.8 million after my cut– er, after taxes.  There will be no tax breaks.  No deductions for having children.  Children should not be a burden on Society.  And besides, since only those who are capable of raising happier healthier children then they themselves were will be allowed to procreate anyway, everything will be fine.  After all, everyone knows that part of being able to raise happy healthy children is being able to afford them.  You won’t need the tax deductions any longer.

And have you noticed how our society has become an “every man for himself” society?  Well, that’ll have to stop.  First, because, every man will be for the King.  The King will be everyone’s first priority.  When the King is happy everyone is happy.  It’s simple logic.  No more will you have to pretend your on a battle field when you’re at Trader Joe’s, having to walk with purpose and never stop moving lest you be run down by the person behind you.  No more will you stand at Target debating between a couple items, only to have a red-shirted Target employee, barge right in front of you to place an item on a shelf.  Never again will you have someone pull out in front of you on the road even though there is no one anywhere in sight behind you.  It makes the King happy when people treat each other decently.  And when the King is happy every one is happy, right?

Television will be better!  First and foremost, because living in a Monarchy will do away with the need for those pesky political commercials.  No politics means no political ads.  Everybody wins!  The shows will be longer and the commercials will be shorter, because really who needs to hear bout six different kinds of breakfast cereal in a single two minute segment?  You already know what kind of cereal you like anyway and since there isn’t really anything new out there you don’t need to have a loud mouthed announcer try to convince you that there is and that you should try it.  You already know what you like anyway, right?  We all know what you like.  You like Post Raisin Bran and Honey Nut Cheerios only.  You like only these two cereals because those are the ones the King eats and you want to be like the King.  It makes the King happy and when the King is happy, everyone is happy, right?

And speaking of politics, since the objective is to make your King happy, there will be no more office politics either.  Granted as King I would no longer have to be a part of it anyway, but there will be no more office politics.  No longer will you climb over each others’ backs to get ahead.  No longer will you smile to a person’s face while stabbing them in the back at the same time.  People will get ahead by doing the very best they can do at their own personal job without interfering with others.  Things will be like this because it make the King happy.  And when the King is happy, everyone is happy, right?

As your King I will make every effort to rectify all the things that are wrong with this country.  I will suss out all the laws and regulations and rules that do nothing to benefit us and everything to complicate our lives and do away with them.  What with this being a true monarchy and all, I’ll do away with the Congress.  There will be no more Senators.  Hell, we don’t even need state and local governments anymore.  And the Constitution?  Well, actually, I rather like that.  And therefor as King I’ll defend it with my ultimate, unassailable power.  I’ll amend it to make my reign legal, but I’ll defend it to the death.  You will like it too, because it makes the king happy and…  Well, I don’t really need to remind you that when the king is happy everyone is happy?  Right?

Oh and one more thing.  I always thought it was the royals’ downfall to try and spread their kingdom too thin and we’re not going to do that.  So as part of my coronation I will officially give Alaska back to Russia.  L’il Ms. Palin likes to keep an eye on them anyway.  Well, she can just go back and join them.  And Hawaii…  Well, I do need a vacation get away so I guess I’ll keep them.

So as I’m sure you can see, it’s just the right thing to do to make me your uncontested, ultimate ruler with irrevocable authority over all things in these United States.  The United States of Kevin!